Attack of the Six Foot Californians
Thursday, June 26, 2014 * : What is going on here? * : You should know, this 'ole idea's yer fault! * : My fault? The kids suggested that we do this, and it takes two to have kids y'know! * : Oh yeah! I remember 'em a-sayin'e like it was yesterday ... Wednesday, June 25, 2014 * : [unseen, voice only] A long time ago, in the tumultuous year of 2014, lived a couple of lovers. Let us see the recreational activity in which lovers partake, shall we? [In the parents' room.] * : Are you sure this is going to work? * : O' course! * : I don't think I want to do it now! I mean, I just brought you breakfast in bed! * : Come on! There's a video where the school football team got dared to do'e in fron' o' the school. * : Depending on the players, that might be either triumphant or humiliating. [Beat.] But why do you want to be the Dad? * : Acos I feel meself to be more qualified fer 'et role. * : Okay, here it goes, I mean, if it's what the Internet's into. [A pause.] * : Johnny Johnny! * : Yes, pah pah?You'd have to watch the video for the full extremely weird experience.] * : Eatin' sugar? * : No, pah pah. * : Tellin' lies? * : No, pah pah. * : Open yer mouth! * : Ha ha ha! [Pencil feeds him a sugar cube.] * : Well, that's enough sugar intake for today, and it's only ten thousand hours. * : [from downstairs] Pen, Pencil! Someone's at the door! * : Oi, don' answer'e h'unless it's important! * : But it actually is someone important! * : You go down, I'll stay and guard the sugar cubes just in case some flies eat them. [Pencil goes downstairs.] * : 'O could be 'ere on this mornin'? Match ain' expected to come back from Los Angeles until tomorrow! * : Ah, LA. * : It's someone you might want to see. [Pencil opens the door, and on the other end is Triangle. The audience, were it there, cheer.] * : I have been waiting here for five minutes after one of your little ones slammed the door on me! * : 'Ello to you, Dad. An' QR, really? * : I'm sorry, I wanted to let you know he was here. * : And we aren't good at mazungumzo yasiyo ya kawaida. * : I appreciate'ee speakin' to me 'n Kiswahili, but not before a native speaker. * : You people have problems. Let me in! * : Okay, sir! Is this why you came 'ere? * : Actually, I've come in light of a certain problem perpetuated by your family. * : Pen, come down 'ere, yer commander's 'ere! [A pause.] * : 'E'll come. So 'ow's London? * : Still living there, even though I find the place undenyingly liberal. [Enter Pen.] * : Pardon my lack of uniform, but General Sofer reporting for duty, sir! [The kids laugh.] * : No amount of formality can take away how angry and disappointed in you all. * : What happened? * : Do you remember what happened one year ago? * : Yes, Grandpa. We were watching the midnight sun in Arctic Norway. * : Oh yeah, and Dad cried because it was so beautiful! * : Actually, I was crying because I realised that Norway was the first stop on our fourteen-country European tour! * : , before that, you were all in America. The United States of, to be exact. * : So? * : It was 1913! * : Dad, why di'n'ee come earlier? * : I would have, but it took a week to leave Britain for Mombasa. That is beyond the point though, because your little jump could have endangered us all! [Enter Sio.] * : Guys, I can't find Cil. * : Sio, look 'o's 'ere! * : Grandpa! [Sio shakes Triangle's foot.] * : Next time, make sure you check the bars of his cage. * : No, boy, you stay 'ere. This news may involve'ee h'as well. * : Anyways, I have come to erase your memories. *'All': WHAT? [Triangle opens the door and two indistiguishable figures wearing that Blocky suit from are outside the door.] * : 'Ow'd they get in 'ere without disturbin' the neighbourhood! * : Doesn't matter now, dear, our minds are going to be annihilated! * : You do not listen well, for we are simply going to replace your memories with something else. It's bad enough you know whose fault it was. * : #strictparentsbelike, isn't it? * : Give me a category. * : Kazoku-ga Yeigo-no ai-naru saisho-no moji-to kuni-ye yukinaru zo! It can be assumed that that is his voice. * : That's a good idea. Instead of travelling to 1913 America, you would have gone to a country whose name starts with "I". Any one will do, it just must start with "I". * : You mean like Italy? * : How about India? * : Or Israel? * : Or Spain! [Beat.] Wot, in Russian, it's "I" thet's Ispaniya! * : Take em! [Strange noises and bizarre special effects are used during this ordeal, some of which involve the transfer and cleaning up of brain files. Start a series of flashbacks.] : : That's right, a mixed-race group of strangely-dressed, colourful individuals [suddenly gains an Irish accent] should be able to know how rude it is to intrude upon another's farm? : : I'd segregate y'all by race, but this negara didirikan dengan persamaan dan hal itu tidak akan baik bagi Indonesia. : : Merismip? Take these swarthy ones out ולומר להם שאנחנו רוצים להתנצל על הדרך בה טיפלנו בהם! : : The Negro school is across the corner, و این چیزی است که آمریکایی ها در کشورشان می گویند. : : Good evening, gentlemen and coloured individuals, vorrei che voi incontrate i figli di Diana Dimitriato! Come vi sentite che il corpo morto della vostra mamma è stato in questo paese per quindici anni? [Back to real life.] * : * : It feels good, as the youth of today might say, to troll people. And now we're off. [Exeunt Triangle and his security. The family have been left on the floor. They eventually wake up.] * : Omg, wot 'appened? * : I can't remember anything in the last five minutes, except oh no, the sugar cubes! [Pen runs upstairs.] * : That was weird. * : I'd better follow. [Pencil runs upstairs with him, but as she gets to the door she finds out it has been locked.] * : Wot'n'ale? * : Sorry! I just realised I have to work today! * : Why lock'e though? There's no takin' off, jus' puttin' on! [At once, he rushes out of the door.] * : My boss says I've only 24 late days left or else I'll be docked off my pay by a shilling! [A. R. I.; exit Pen.] * : Omg, it's terrible! * : Aww, don't worry! We all miss Father. * : 't ain' jus' thet, it's thet we don't get to spend enough time together! * : What we need is a date. * : We? * : Saye, please tell me you still don't have a crush on Hilberto Yoke, that dreamy yellow ball with eyes as black as things that are black! * : No, but I will tell myself to change my diary password. [Exeunt Saye and Citlali.] * : Ha. It's funny because it's surveillance.. * : Well, Mummy, you should wait for Dad to arrange it. He is the man in this relationship. * : Now wait a minute! Girl, I know you're the nice one in this pair, but it is 2014! Women are just as equal in speaking to men as the other way around. * : Way to go, Ora! You may call yerself evil, but you's still a-got good, inspirin' morals. * : Inspiring? Mum, please tell me you're not going to * : Aye, yes I am! : ♫ The weather today, full o' clouds very grey Wasn' really a good type o' wakin' up way, Then me man woke me h'up with a sugar-filled cup An' 'e made me a breakfas' in bed! Chorus: He made her a breakfast in bed! : Thet's right, fer when 'e ga' thet food to me Ah, the doorbell rang, was'e 10:03, So I opened'e well an' then showed up 'Ell, Er me father as I've done said! Chorus: Or her father as she's said! : 'E came fer a reason an' left with a season- -in' o' grey stuff in me mind, Can't remember the leas' though I know wot decreased Was me time with a man so kind! Chorus: Her time with our father kind! : Now they gone fer too long an' I sing this song From the words comin' off o' thee An' I've made'ee realistic, that this date be feministic Fer a woman independen' like me! Chorus: If we sound euphemistic and the thought seems logistic Know that woman independent is she! ♫ * : Belgium? Been there. * : Click! * : Belize? Been there. * : Click! * : Benin? Errrrrrr ... been there. * : Click! * : Is there anywhere you haven't been? * : Apparently Saye's diary. * : [from the other room] I heard that! * : Wait! There's an ad! [He reads it.] * : What does it say? * : [reading] "Tired of living in the capitalist oppression of the Occident? Then visit the Democratic People's Republic of Korea!" * : North Korea? [Beat.] Been there. * : Really? * : How was it? * : It was [Enter Sio.] * : Mum, are you busy? I'm totally not looking for Cil who's totally not been lost. * : Imparticularly. We're jus' lookin' fer 'oliday destinations. 'Opefully somethin' more convenient than the 200 options we've been presented with. * : Why not 3D travel? * : 3D, wot's thet, some new technology? * : Ooh, I've heard of that! They're making this thing where you can travel across space so far and end up in the third dimension! * : And you'll never guess who developed it Map's parents! They're vehicular engineers. * : So where can I get this third dimension travel? * : City hall! This business is so dangerous it has to be sponsored by the government. * : Wow. Should I rethink this? * : A woman independent are you! * : Then I shall take'e. [The kids cheer.] * : Here's to trying new things! * : I can see why you'd want to take that option, you're into all that popular stuff anyways. * : Wot? * : The number of 3D travelers has increased from four in 2013 to thirty thousand in the last six months! Mrs Pencil, we are able to squeeze you in tomorrow for an appointment. * : Cool! * : I should be grateful. Every night I have the fortune to see you. * : An' I h'always 'a' got the chance fer yer face. * : ENOUGH WITH THE FALLMARK CARD AND JUST TELL HER! * : Chavo, wot's'ee doin' 'ere? * : I was actually brushing my teeth for once! * : Omg, this is a surprise, remember? * : Oh yeah! Pen, I'd love to spoil the secret but it'll make you happy anyway. [Exit Salvador.] * : A surprise for me? Usually I'm the one doing stuff for you! Sweet change, Penc! * : Why, thanks'ee, m8! Good night! * : Night. [Pen falls asleep.] * : This is so h'amazeballs! Now I can 'ave all 'em delicious foods I can get! * : Mother, are you metaphorising again? * : Avi? * : Oh, I was just brushing my teeth. I've already done it earlier, but I accidentally bit my retainer. Thursday, June 26, 2014 * : Who is it? * : Delivery! * : Whoohoo, it's here! [He opens the door and takes the package.] * : , good sir. * : Ooh, what did you get? * : The thing that will change my middle school reputation once and for all! * : This can't be good. [He opens the package.] * : A lideo! * : Oh, I enjoy watching the post. * : Play it! [He presses the play button on the mini-tablet.] * : Welcome, Jay Veer Ess Cee Ray Be Are. * : It was customisable for an extra 600 KSh. * : Are you tired of being the unpopular person at your elementary school? * : Elementary school? * : It's what they call lower division in the States. * : Then be glad that you just found yourself in the Personality Changing Machine! * : That better be a mind control device. SO I CAN USE IT UPON MY ENEMIES! * : Shh, it's still speaking. * : Every day, you will receive one tip on how to change yourself. * : One tip, too much. * : The first tip is a simple one, even though it may sound hard in the beginning. * : What is it? * : Give all of your attention to a common cause. That is the only tip of today, and see you tomorrow. For English, press one. Para el español, presione dos. * : They couldn't at least say that in the beginning? * : So, Avi, what are you going to choose? * : Yeah, what ridiculous fantasy are you going to defend? * : The ... the ... the ... [he looks around] The Earth! [The other kids, including Javier, laugh. Enter Pencil with a suitcase.] * : 'Ello, kids. * : Mum! Where are you going? * : Goin' to pick up yer father, an' then takin'e h'on a date. Want to come? To pick 'im up, not geh on a date, thet'd be h'intrusive. * : S * : Wot's I says, it ain' like ye've got a choice considerin' thet I can't trust ten kids 'ome alone. Besides, don'ee wan' to says goodbye to me; I'll be gone fer [The kids have all left.] * : I talk too much, but wot's a-kiddin', y' got to talk to make the rules around 'ere! * : Mum, are you okay? * : Yeah, we never take the car! * : We always seem to just ... get there. * : Oh, I'm fine! I'm jus' bein' so ready fer me date! [Pencil drives, approaching Match's house.] * : Kids, quick. 'Elp me find yer Aunt Match! * : Under all this consumerism? Nope. * : Wait! I see her! She's kissing that guy! * : Knowin' Match, I'd believe'e. [Pencil gets out of the car and sees Match doing.] * : Omg, Penc-penc, it's so nice to, like, see you! [Awkward silence.] * : Oh, we don' 'a' time fer awkward silence, Match, yer a-comin' with me. * : A-coming? This must be important; she used the "a"! Sorry Werb! * : Was it something I said? [Pencil and Match get in the car.] *'Kids': Aunt Match! * : Are you ready to go babysitting? * : Omg, so this is what you were calling about this morning! * : Right'o. By the way, 'ow was 'Ollywood? * : It was, like, hot! * : Ooh, hot? * : Yeah, the weather, the celebrities, the people ... I brought a man home, did you, like, know that? * : An' we're 'ere. * : Omg, look at all those people! [As if in a train, the crowd of people walk by, their feet all in step.] * : Look at all those white collars. * : Omg, colourist! [The crowd is literally composed of white collars.] * : They all care too much about their jobs to do anything about this world! I'm going to do something about it. * : Don't. * : Why not? I like this new side of you! * : I think I see Dad! * : 'Ow d'ye know? * : Yeah, like, how did you know? * : I see him too! He's the guy who's trying to look professional. [Pen walks out of the building, slightly out of sync with the others.] * : And to think we've let this man run our nation's, like, military.A reference to Still in a Hundred Years. * : Damn, 'e can't see us! [Time-lapse video of Pencil's car following Pen walking to the car park. As soon as he opens the door, Pencil honks the horn.] * : I'm sorry, if this was an illegal parking spot, it was legal when I got here! [He looks back.] * : Hey, what are you doing here? You came here with the clan? * : Oi, shut up an' get in th' automotive! [Everyone, including Match, sighs in disappointment.] * : We were, like, totally expecting you to say that line from BFDIA. * : Well, I h'ain' goin'a. I'm better than thet. [Enter Pen.] * : What happened, is there an emergency? * : Aye, I demand to geh on a date! * : Okay, but what about my car? * : Wote'er, like 'twas e'er goin' to compensate fer any carberydrates y' gi' me. * : Ah, good evening, General Sofer and family. And Match. * : OMG, HE RECOGNISED ME! * : So, Firey, when's thet appointmen'? * : Right now. So Pencil, how many people are you travelling with? * : Two. Me an' 'im. * : What are your intentions for visiting the third dimension? * : Er ... it's a secret. * : Your purpose must be stated, or else I can't let you go. * : May I pull me aside, Firey? [Exeunt ambos.] * : What is Mum doing? * : Maybe she's bribing him with money. * : The newly rich tend to do that. They also tend to NOT CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT! * : Shhh, you're making a scene! * : The evil witch is right. Now, like, does someone want to help me find Firey's dressing room? * : Oh my G-d, Firey hasn't got a dressing room. * : Like, 24 of my past dates did! [Enter Firey and Pencil.] * : Okay, that makes a lot of sense! I should know because I would use the same reason for Leafy * : Oi. * : What's wrong? * : Thet name. It jus' leaves a bad taste in me mouth. * : Come on, you still can't forgive her? She says she's sorry. * : I know Leafy-language; thet pro'ly means she'll geh an' do'e once more. * : [more sternly] Sign this paper, both of you. * : Cool, what does it say? * : [Reading rapidly ''] "This contract enables you to travel to the third dimension via the Federal Government. Any obstruction of the business of human beings shall result in the closing, liquidation and cancellation this business." This means that if you as much as interact or be ''seen by a fellow human, you will make dimensional travel prohibited for the future. Understand? * : Aye. [They both sign. Firey leads them to a large object covered by cloth.] * : Wow, it's floating! * : Is Puffball under there? I miss that Vocoded traitor. [Everyone looks at her.] * : What? * : We have the second best thing! [Firey removes the cover, and a large blue puffball is there.] * : Hello! My name is Timothe, son of Hyne, and I will be your mode of transport today. * : Timothe, son of 'Yne? An' thet'd make you * : Timme McHyne. [Beat.] It spells "time machine"! Get it? [Everyone laughs.] * : Unfortunately, we do. * : Alright, Leafy-haters, get in. [They go on top of Timothe.] * : Well, kids, I'll see ye when we get done! * : Okay! * : We're going to miss you, but don't worry, your Aunt Match is there to babysit you! * : Dad, we're not babies. * | }}: Bye! [A. R. I. They watch as Timothe brings the parents above the open skylight and the kids wave good-bye.] * : Now that those two lovers are, like, gone, are you people ready for a day, a week, a month or a year of fun?! * : Year? * : Of fun! * : Let's go back to the car. [She walks off.] * : Aunt Match, the car's that way. * : Sorry, I guess, like, I'm a little high today. * : Are you ever not? * : Hey, your uncle 'Rase got the good . * : This view's so romantic, innit? * : I guess. But I've seen this a million times at work on Satellite view. * : How are you enjoying this ride? * : It's great, but the people on'e h'ain' really. * : Ditto. * : Oi, could we maybe go a bit slower? * : In order to go to 3D, we must travel quickly. * : How quickly? Like, not now, eh, not that I'm scared or anything, but * : Come on, you've survived yer milit'ry service. * : Well, it's always nice to have one of our servicemen travel with us. * : Mr McHyne, I had a question. * : Throw it up on me. But not literally I've already had a vomit experience today. * : When we were told not to disrupt the human system, like, how? I thought humans were everywhere on Earth. * : The most popular destinations for travelling objects are, naturally, the least popular destinations for humans. * : Which are? * : Y'know, places like the centre of Greenland, the Pacific Ocean, Area 51, oh, that one's especially popular. * : Wote'er. * : Can I please go faster? We just missed the point. * : Sorry fer my 'usband's inutile conversations. * : It's no [Without acceleration Timothe moves really fast. Pencil and Pen hold on to each other, as Timothe burns up and turns grey.] * : PROBLEMMMMMM! * : And I can hardly believe she walked through the front door! * : True that. * : Excuse me, I'm right here! * : Not you, it's Aunt Match! [Match is seen walking by. As soon as she hears her name, she stops by outside the door, unnoticed by the kids.] * : Don't you think she's fun, though? * : Easy for you to say. She has the personality of a 15-year-old girl. * : But I'm It doesn't matter. Let's just leave this behind; it might be one of those times where she's outside the doorway and we * : Don't notice that she's there! See, I knew she was going to say that! * : I say we do something! Advocacy is the best policy. * : Personality of a 15-year-old [Sio walks by, carrying her suitcase upstairs.] * : Hey, Aunt Match! Who are you talking to? * : Nobody, Sio. And it's, like, "who are you talking whom", because that is something that a 23-year-old old lady would say. * : You know something. * : No, I, like, don't! And you should totally go up to your room and get your crib ready! Old people say that, right? * : OMP, the crib! [Exit Sio.] * : That was close. [She eavesdrops some more.] * : Well, what we should do is ignore her, like, if she ever tries to talk to us. The carbon dioxide we emit talking to her goes towards this planet's global warming! * : I second that! Avi, you're to blame if this goes wrong. * : If, like, they don't want to talk to me, then I'm not, like, talking to them. * : Hey, Timothe, where are we going now? * : He can't speak! * : Well, I wonder why! Y'talks too much, 'a y'eard o' thet? * : [flatly] Yes, dear. Y'know * : Oh me God, we're a-reachin' the glass cielin'! * : What's the significance of that? * : I don' know.Social issues are not prevalent among the objects as they are among humans. [Pen screamsIt sounds like that of Firey., which breaks the glass ceiling.] * : Omg, we're 'eaded ter Earth! Again! [A view of the Earth, depicted by the Blue Marble, is in view. It gradually grows.] * : What is going on here?Basically, a repeat of this episode's opening. * : You should know, this 'ole idea's yer fault! * : My fault? The kids suggested that we do this, and it takes two to have kids y'know! * : Oh yeah! I remember 'em a-sayin'e like it was yesterday! * : They said that? * : O' course! They were the ones thet realised our relationship was devoid of any romance, so they jus' got us to geh on this trip! * : Really? * : Why wou'n' I be a-lyin'? They made a musical number about'e themselves bein' independent women, I mean children. [Beat.] Now say sorry. * : Sorry for misdoubting you, dear. You saying sorry too? * : 'Ell, no. * : Seriously? * : Come on! E'eryone knows you're under me 'ere! * : That is so true. You are the Oh my G-d the giant blue circle is growing bigger! * : This ain' the end, innit? [Timothe catches on fire all over.] * : Our Timothe is on fire! * : Aye, 'e's 'otter than you [The fire cools down.] * : when y'eat spicy foods! [The fire gets stronger.] * : Omg! I think me 'ffectionate talk's a-calmin' this thing! * : Let me try! Penc, I really love the way you're supportive of the fact I have a job [The fire cools down.] * : when I don't need one and be with you all day! [The fire gets stronger.] * : Omg, I get it! I love you so much that Romeo and Juliet never had as much passion! * : I love'ee so much me h'anatomy's been all messed up since thet love gland's been entered in me! * : I love you so much that there's no language to express my feelings for you! [The fire slows down to a mere spark, and the meteorite falls down with the propensity of that of a pebble.] * : Chavo, Chavo, Chavo, I need your help! * : I can't; I'm watching propaganda videos. * : Avi, Avi, Avi * : I can't; I don't like helping people. * : S * : Before you finish my name, yes. I will help you. With what? * : She's down here. * : Down there? [He points at the guest room.] * : Shhh! She's there! * : Aunt Match? * : Yeah! * : Don't you want to talk to her? * : No! So you do it! * : This is because you left my lucky GPS in there. * : Yeah, now go! Please! [Exit QR. Sio tries to open the door, but it's locked.] * : Aunt Match! If you're in there, can you please get my lucky GPS? * : , it's one of the kids. * : It's a model 2011 Djem Be, designed for African trave [A note is slipped under the door.] * : [reading the note interiorly] "Dear child, I can not do anything right now. I am busy with my boyfriend. So sorry." Eww, gross! Eww, gross! [Later, upstairs, Sio peaks his head though the door.] * : It's no use. She's with Werb. * : I can't believe you're still scared o' thet! * : That man was right by me. Humans scare me. * : Do you know where you are? * : No, not really. * : Omg, Timothe, you're alive! Thank you for bringing us here. * : Aye, wote'er. B-T-way, where are we? * : We are in Los Angeles. * : Cool, my "sister" was here the other day! * : You do realise you've landed in the most populated county in America, right? * : We h'ain' American. * : Neither am I. I just like to mention fun facts about random locales. Did you know the city of St Petersburg used to be called * : Petrograd from 1914 to 1924 and Leningrad from 1924 to 1991? Everyone with a working knowledge of historical geography knows * : AAAAAAHHHH! * : What was that about? [Pen looks behind him, and sees the exact same man as before: a pale-faced young man with dark, curly hair and thick glasses.] * : Don' notice'e, Pen. * : I'm way ahead of you. [Every once in a few, he looks back repeatedly.] * : Excuse me, sir, but would you bring us to somewhere safer? Downtown Los Angeles in the middle of the night is not ... what you know ... [The man, named Josef, is listening to music through his Apple earbuds.] * : Oh no, he can't hear us! [Josef walks with Timothe, with Pen and Pencil still on it.] *'Josef': Far and wide have I searched for a rock suitable for their collection, and I have found it! [Another man sneaks up to him.] *'Robber': Give me that priceless grey rock! [Josef doesn't notice; he just walks away to the music.] *'Josef': ♫ Oy, oy, oy, that's the word that we Jews like sayin'!''And thus start the unfortunate implications. ♫ Friday, June 27, 2014 * : [''knocking on the doors] Wake up, sleepy heads! [The boys' door opens.] * : WHAT!? * : It's noon! That's the best time to see the bright sunny day. * : Oh, we've seen the bright sunny day. [Enter Zorah.] * : What are they yapping on about? * : We could not get any sleep. When Sio brings up the flashback, you'll find why. [Beat.] Bring it up, bro! * : I'm sorry, I can barely remember anything, but I'll bring it up. [Flashback: same as the usual, but at night.] : : You three should be sleeping! If you don't get sleep, you won't get good marks, and then you won't go to a good university, and you won't be able to do great things for the world! [End flashback.] * : He was like that all night! * : If it makes you feel better, Lallie's been doing the same. [Flashback.] : : The South will rise again! Power to the Confederacy! [End flashback.] * : None of us even know what it means. [Enter Saye.] * : Still not talking. Oh. You're all here. * : Duh! * : Oi, Timothe, where are we now? * : I have no idea. I'm still confused on why you went to LA. * : We di'n' choose ther 'Olly life. * : Yeah, the Holly life chose us! * : And as you can see, we are in complete darkness. * : I 'ope this ain' one o' those torture rooms we're in. * : I don't think so, the man who picked us up looked pretty aloof. * : You sure? Thet kind o' men'd bring us 'ere acos o' me books. [Beat.] Don' look a' me like thet, Pen! * : What? I wasn't looking at you! I was looking in a general direction; it's literally the same colour everywhere. * : My clients, please shut up; I hear voices. [They listen in.] *'Janeka': You don't be sad about being fired, that's a part of life. *'G.P.': It wouldn't be if it weren't for all those people pouring across the border! *'Janeka': The fuck are you saying? *'G.P.': Well, Trump said it so it must be true. *'Janeka': Up your asshole! [From the interior.] * : Wow. * : I 'a'n' 'eard a swear thet extreme since... e'era! * : Shh, let's listen for more. *'Janeka': G.P., you listen to me. You got yourself fired when that "lunk alarm" went off too much. *'G.P.': Eh, someone needed a personal trainer. And I'm a loud man, you know that when we have sex! *'Janeka': Put your hands behind your back. * : Omg! * : Yeah, it seems like we've landed on Planet Profanity! *'G.P.': Oh, thanks a lot, Janeka, you took away my second language. *'Janeka': You need to shut the fuck up, motherfucker! * : Thet tears'e. [she opens the little door with all her strength and shows herself] WHO THE D'YE THINKS'EE H'ARE, SWEARIN' LIKE A SAILOR? [Silence. Janeka and G.P. are not in sight.] * : Get. Down. Now. [She gets down.] *'G.P.': I guess I'll get me one of them office jobs, like in that show with that guy ... *'Janeka': The Office? I think. *'G.P.': Yeah, that's the one. *'Janeka': If you want that job, you gotta shave that shit off your face. *'G.P.': Hey, what you call shit, I call a great addition to a handsome stud like me. *'Janeka': Oh, shut the fuck up. *'G.P.': Whatever. Yo Joey, get me my applications! *'Josef': Yes, sir. *'Janeka': You gone to finish it? *'G.P.': I'm starting them. Janeka, you go get me a pen. *'Janeka': No, get yourself off your lazy ass and do it! *'G.P.': Fine. [Footsteps are heard. Meanwhile, on the inside.] * : Omg, I'm a pen! * : No shoop, really? [Beat.] Jus' act natural. * : If I were acting natural, I'd get on full-on general mode. * : I warn you, please be quiet so we don't get caught by the government and the interdimensional travel programme gets cancelled! * : Oi, shut up a bit! [The footsteps stop. Then the drawer opens.] *'G.P.': Whoa, Josef got me a rock just like I told him to. [He rummages through the drawer, looking for a pen.] *'G.P.': What's this? A flashcard? [he tries to pull it out] Fuck, it's glued down. [He closes the drawer and walks away. Pencil and Pen are hiding behind the flashcard and have been holding it down.] * : Thet was a close one. * : I'll say, he almost had me made into pen soup! *'G.P.': Did I hear voices? * : No! *'G.P.': Goes good. [He walks away.] * : Tip time! [He turns it on, and the same App plays.] * : Welcome, Jay Veer Ess Cee Ray Be Are. * : I just love hearing that. * : Are you still tired of being the unpopular person at your elementary school? * : That just played yesterday! * : I remember the words! * : Then be glad that you have survived the first day of the Personality Changing Machine! * : So am I popular now? * : This doesn't mean that you're popular now, because you still have some more tips to follow. The second tip of the day is: Immense materialism. Choose something you wish you had, and cherish it and all kinds of it. That is the only tip of the day, and see you tomorrow. * : Immense materialism? * : It's when * : Oh, I know what it means. And I know just the place. [Scene cut to Javier knocking on the girls' room door.] * : Oh-Lallie-Lallie-Lallie-Lallie-Lallie-Lallie [Zorah opens the door.] * : I'm sorry, your twin is not available at the moment. I am filming her audition. * : Wow, this must be serious. You apologised! * : Hold her rôle, you didn't let me finish: By sorry, I mean not sorry. Siku njema. * : Alright, how have I done? * : Meh. * : Meh? * : Honestly, it's more like B-movie material. * : [getting more agitated] B-movie? * : Honey, I'm a-speak more words when I can. And you have a visitor. * : Avi, can't you see I'm busy questioning my acting career right now? * : This is more important. Do you think you can teach me the arts of immense materialism? * : Immense ... well, why didn't you ask? [gets up] I'd be super happy to tell you about how getting is more fun than GIVING! * : [flatly] Thanks a lot, Avi, I liked her in a bad mood. * : Oi, 'ow long 'a'n a been 'ere already? * : Like, ten minutes. * : More like ten thousand. [The television turns on in another room. A familiar song is heard.] * : Omg, I know this song! * : [un-fondly remembering] Bad times ... bad times. [Suddenly, someone starts talking, that somebody being more familiar than who was thought.] : : : : : : * : Omg, thet's BFDI! * : They're watching our show! * : Or they could be usin'e h'as background noise whils' they play on their tablets ... Wot? Thet's wot our kids do! : : : : : : : : *'G.P.': Yo, Janeka. Pause the show. *'Janeka': The remote is inches away from you! *'G.P.': We both know inches are meaningful things. [The sound of a throw pillow being thrown.] *'G.P.': Fine, I'll do it. *'Janeka': Good, you gotta get your fat ass off that seat there. *'G.P.': Bullshit! Unless muscle counts as fat, I object. Besides, I actually heard voices here. Think it's the neighbours? *'Janeka': We live on the Hollywood Hills. The only thing I hear is you talkin' 'bout how hot you are. *'G.P.': You don't like that? *'Janeka': The fuck? Why else would we still be together? [She pauses and rewinds the show.] *'Janeka': I'm a get some food. [Meanwhile, in the other room, Pencil and Pen climb out of the drawer.] * : What are you doing? You're not supposed to let yourself be seen! * : We know, it's just * : We heard ourselves on the telly! Thet guarantees our goin' out at any time. * : You're going to get in trouble ... [Pencil and Pen walk across the shiny wooden floor behind the telly.] * : I guess wot's been done's done. * : Then let's keep the doing in doing on! * : Wot's 'et mean? * : It means ... [pulling out microphones] we act! * : Where'dj'ee get those mics? * : [turning the microphone on] "Why in fact I am!" * : "Doin' wot?" * : "Oh, y'know ..." * : "Oh, cool! I want one ... Awesome!" Should we skip Leafy's lines? * : Yeah, let's just get to the screaming. "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" * : "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" [G.P. looks up from his phone.] *'G.P.': Aaaah! Yo, Janeka, you being black, you must know a lotta the selling the drugs, no? *'Janeka': G.P., you being a white male, you should know a lot of consuming the drugs! *'G.P.': Forget that, what the fuck am I on? *'Janeka': What do you mean? *'G.P.': I'm actually seeing BFDI characters … right here! In our living room! *'Janeka': Oh shit, that's acid. * : Maybe if we go, they won't notice. * : Good idea. Let's leave! [They run away.] *'G.P.': And they're leaving now! This is The Ring all over again! *'Janeka': Oh shit, they're real. [Pencil and Pen run into a hallway.] *'Janeka': Oh my God, I think I'm seeing them too! * : We mean no harm! * : We just got lost in … somewhere. *'Janeka': Y'all talk, too! [Janeka picks them both up.] * : Omg, me feels'e sei a' Shillingworld again! *'Janeka': Are y'all Pencil and Pen from BFDI? [Pencil and Pen look at each other.] * | }}: , we are. *'Janeka': I always wanted to meed you guys! Say more shit. * : 'Ello, me names are Pencil Badhrasa Carmencita Ohisa Triángolo Schreiber. I suppose y'already knew thet. * : And I'm Pen Dion Schreiber. I've changed it from Demetria two years ago, right after the show ended. You probably didn't know that! *'Janeka': We never knew that! I just thought you're called Pen and Pencil! * : Oh, aye, the show ne'er mentioned our last names. *'Janeka': Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Janeka Jezebel Jemima Sapphire LaWashington.I know it's a lot, but it'll be justified later. But y'all can call me Mammy. [Both Pen and Pencil stare in awe at her, a young Afro-Latina sit ob præteritum scivimus of lower-than-average build wearing orange, brilliant earrings and her hair in the popular "beehive" style à Nedra Talley, '64.] *'Janeka': What you looking at? Haven't you seen a human before? * : No. * : No'n real life! *'Janeka': Sweet Jesus, I was wrong! David and Dora were just butt ugly stick figures! * : We're also tryin' to classify'ee. *'Janeka': What do you mean? * : Y'see, when we took human biology class in school, they told us that humans were obsessed with race. *'Janeka': What? Race is a social concept. * : Well, they told us should we h'e'ra see a 'uman in our lives, we were to classify 'em. *'Janeka': That's racist! As white people say, literally! * : Hmm … Penc, what would you call her? * : Let me see … [she gets a magnifying glass, but once realising her size, she throws it away] Apparent brachycephaly … yet with dolichocephalic influence … slightly lighter skin by three tones … overall appearance in suggestin' somewhere o'r than th' usual Wes' African in Americans …See the text of this to read the full story. They says you could pass in Africa, but I don' know whe'er it's Ethiopier or Nigeria th'e'r from. *'Janeka': Well, after all, I am African American. * : Really? Wot part'r'ee from? *'Janeka': I don't know. I haven't even gone to Africa! * : You should, it's really nice! *'Janeka': I think you need a history lesson. * : That's very nice, but I'm a specialist on object history from 1914 on! *'Janeka': Boy, you got yourself a sass going *'G.P.': Yo Janeka, that you? *'Janeka': I hear the sound of my … boyf I mean friend with benefits. * : Wot? *'Janeka': It's from an Alanis Morissette song. That girl can rock a Zanarowski party. * : Oh, Lawn-mower Phosphorette! Y'know, she's Canadian. [Enter G.P., confused.] *'G.P.': Janeka, you better not be fucking some other paramour! [he sees her and the objects] Oh, it's just you. With my hallucinations. Carry on. *'Janeka': G.P., I see them too. *'G.P.': Oh shit, they're real. Pleasure of a-knowing you! [He tries to shake their hands, but accidentally crushes them.] * : Ah, thet's er 'urt a while! [Pen looks, as if trying to inspect, at G.P.: a "swarthy" sit ante dicebatur white male, also of lower build, but sporting a blue and white jacket and hair in the military officer style. He also has rather thick facial hair that is, the Karamanlis eyebrows, the Modugno moustache and the neoclassical stubble.] * : I think I know what you are … *'G.P.': Eh? Your eyes are a-staring at me. * : Above-average hirsuteness … slight planoccipitality … aquiline features redressées … how tall might you be? *'G.P.': 6'1". * : 61 cm? * : 'E means 6 feet an' 1 inch. Thet's right, I know me British units. * : That gives you away as a typical robust Atlanto-Mediterranean, but your face suggests a dominantly Dinarid influence. *'G.P.': What are you saying? You, not you. * : Your physical appearance leads me to two origins: You're either southern Italian or Greek. *'G.P.': Greek? [laughing] Ah! ah! ah! G. P. Mario Francesco Antonio Vittorio Luigino Graffeo is perfectly 100% Italian! Though I may have, like, one Greek great-great-grandfather somewhere, but that doesn't really matter. * : Really ... * : Pen, d'y'a' somethin' y' wants to say? [Silence.] * : Cool! *'G.P.': Hey, now that you're actually in our house, why don't you take a tour of the town? After all, I need to show off my new body. *'Janeka': And I need to show off my new bling. * : Explore LA? I don' think thet's such a bad idea. * : But y'know, I've heard accounts of people who've gone there ... and never come back. *'G.P.': Eh, stop being a coddard and man up! * : Aye! And those people're jus' Lallie's like top seventy 'Ollywood directors. * : How ironic, telling an object to become a man. *'Janeka': We're gonna be at our dressing rooms if you need us. [They go to another door and close it.] * : Wot d'ye think of 'em? * : That guy's the total opposite of me! * : An' the girl ain' like me h'at all! Oh, 'ow humans are such a strange species. * : I thought so. * : Ah, what a wonderful two-hour shower! [She sees Javier on the couch, playing on his tablet.] * : Excuse me, I need some help. * : You will never be cool, even if you try. * : It's about materialism. * : MATERIALISM?! Oh, how I love that word! I'd literally break the first Commandment for it. What's this for? * : My app told me that to be cool in high school, I should cherish immense materialism. So what shall I do? * : Omg, so what's the last thing you've bought? * : It was a windy 5th of April, and the sun was still glistening of springtime holidays. We went to the local Johannesburg teaching supplies shop, and ... [he sees that Citlali is not amused] I bought new adjusters for my microscope. * : That's perfect! Do you want more school supplies? * : School supplies? That sounds #awesomazing! * : Yeah, don't try to push it. So how much do you want school supplies? * : Not much, I guess. * : Oi, you'll never become materialistic! * : Then I want it now! * : That's the spirit! Now all you have to do it apply it to everything you buy. [Enter Yaretzi and Ximena.] * : Avi, we want to go mini golfing! * : Mini golfing? * : It's golf, but minier. * : I got that part. But that would be breaking Mum and Dad's rule: Never leave the house without an adult. * : Aunt Match can't take us; she's not here! * : I'm sorry, but I can't take you out. * : There's a gift shop, and the store next to it at the mall is the school supply store! * : Okay, I'll go! But only if we buy stuff. * : Mona! We shouldn't bribe our older brother; he's going through real hard times right now! * : No, I mean I'll gladly go, even if it means breaking a rule. [Yaretzi and Ximena gasp.] * : Wow! * : I know, this 'umans' world's so, like, three-dimensional! I like'e! * : Do you frequent the city often? *'Janeka': No! This walk is for the tourists. *'G.P.': Which is exactly what you are. * : I wonder why no one's been staring at us yet! *'Janeka': This city is crazy; weird shit happens every day. [They see a young boy walking with his mum. The boy points.] *'Boy': Look, Mommy! It's Pen and Pencil! *'Mother': William, it's not nice to point. * : I can't believe he's recognised us! * : We really thet obvious? *'Janeka': No, you just really look like a pen and pencil. * : Wow. *'Man': Nice shoulder pads, it looks like you're balancing two dicks on your fat shoulders! [At once, G.P.'s eyes widen from under his glasses.] *'G.P.': What ... did you say? *'Man': Did you both smuggle dildos and hide them up your shirts? YOU'RE FUCKING THE WRONG ORGANS! [Apparently fed up with everything, G.P. pins the man against the wall. Very few people look, knowing the nature of the city.] *'Man': What the fuck, man? *'G.P.': Bro, you don't say nothing bad about my girl, or these objects, y'hear? You're lucky I'm off-duty because I can easily arrest you with my two buddies! [He raises two of his fists, which is an obvious mistake: the man runs away, clearly afraid.] *'Man': BERNIE SANDERRRRRS! [Meanwhile, William returns with his mother.] *'William': Mommy, look! It's the star of Mahalia Jackson, the first Mexican opera star! *'William's mum': I thought she was Black ... * : A 'uman with black skin? Can thet e'en 'appen? * : It does frequently with the Nilotic populations ... *'Janeka': Good Lord, it don't mean she's actually black! We in the United States say you're Black when you have darker skin. * : Thet's strange. *'Janeka': So is this country. * : So would somebody like your cheating boyfriend be white? *'Janeka': What're you talking about, I don't have a Holy motherfucking shit! [She sees G.P. with another girl, this one with dark, straight hair and an appearance of being Vietnamese.''If you're catching on to the whole human characters things, you should know who this is.] *'Phuong': Boy, you know I love, like, a fighter! *'G.P.: A man's got to do it to survive. You still living in OC? *'''Phuong: Yeah. Maybe visit sometimes! I'll make you the best pho! [she winks] *'G.P.': Hey, maybe you should come over and I'll make you some Italian sausage.Oh God ... *'Phuong': Laughing in Asian! [Phuong walks off.] * : What the heck was that? * : Aye, people 'ere sound so weird when a-walkin' away. Look, Janeka, I've seen stuff like thet 'appen before; don' cry, m8! *'Janeka': Cry? Why should I? * : Really? *'Janeka': We're in an open relationship, me and that man. * : Oy vey. * : Scandalous! * : I bet "G.P." doesn't even stand for anything! [Janeka shakes her head no.] * : I think it jus' means grande playboy. *'Janeka': Yasss ... * : What do you mean, you're not going to help us? * : I have to get to the gift shop! There are things there! * : But we've never played mini golf before! * : You've never played it? Then why did you come * : Omg, he's here! * : What? * : Hide! [They all hide behind a hippopotamus.] * : Okay, what was that? * : It's him! [She sees Golf Club.''The one from Object Universe, or at least that episode] * : She ''loves him. * : I don't love him, I just think we should be more than friends! * : Oh, that's why you wanted to ... Well, you can't always help a first crush. I'll be in the gift shop if you need me. * : Kay-kay. * : Bye! [Javier enters the gift shop.] * : Wow, look at all these stuff! [he goes through the things, one including a foam ball''Like one of those foam fingers, but in the shape of a circle.] A number-one golfer foam hand! A customised club! And O-M-G the Marxton Minigolf Scorer 3000! Cool! [''He goes up to the counter.] * : Excuse me, how much is this object of my dreams? * : Oh, that? It is worth 3000 tickets. * : What? * : Keep your head, laddie! You got to play here three thousand times to win that! * : Make it 2000. * : 4000. * : 1000! * : Are you haggling with me? * : I don't know, my family just buy stuff! * : Okay, wee one. Play along your game, then. [he turns around and Javier places the scorer under his kilt] * : This is for being cool ... [He exits, but as soon as he reaches the door, the alarm goes off. And unsurprisingly, it's bagpipes.] * : MY EARS! * : You were trying to take this ... for free? * : Well, that was my intent. * : Then you'll be in actual jail! Go now. [Javier walks away. Then he comes back.] * : Excuse me, where is that? * : Third shop behind the WCs. * : Thank you! * : Sign your name, too. * : 'Kay. [Meanwhile ...] * : So, you're an Aquarius? Omg, like, all of my sisters are Aquariuses too! * : Mona, look! Javier just walked away! Come with me. * : Why? I am in the middle of a relationship right now! * : You're practising ... with a golf club. * : I just thought if I used a real golf club, I * : We have to catch our brother. * : Okay. [They leave the golf place. Ximena waves at G.C. as she exits.] * : to the NISSCG, where you are allowed one telephone call. Is your name Jay Veer S? * : Something like that. * : Whom would you like to call now? * : My sisters Ximena and Yaretzi. * : I shall bring up their names. [Enter Ximena and Yaretzi as he does so.] * : We're here! * : Sir, we're here to get our brother back. * : [who has been placed behind bars] Thank consanguinity you're here. You've got to get me out! * : Hold yourselves! You need an adult to come here and pick you up. Those are the rules of the Mall Jail. * : Got his number! * : How? Dad's in [She brings the phone to Javier.] * : [on the phone] Mona, what is it? * : It's me, Avi! * : Oh, hello! How's your middle school thing going? * : Not bad. Except the fact that we've been locked in mall jail and need an adult to get us. * : What? You're problem's much bigger than mine! I'm still working on finding Cil. * : Hasn't it been, like * : I said I was working on it. I'll go call Aunt Match whenever she gets home. * : Whenever she ... wait, we can't get her to come here! * : Why not? She knows every store there. * : But none of us want to talk to her. * : I'm sorry, but you're going to have to figure it out yourselves. I'm not the adult, remember? * : Okay, then. * : And as usual, before you hang up the phone, you'd better say [Javier hangs up.] * : How'd it go? * : He's not getting us, Aunt Match won't get us. We'll be here for a while. [Enter Sun Ball.] * : to the NISSCG, where you are allowed one telephone call. * : Oh my Gosh, it's Mr. Ball, my history teacher! * : We don't know that yet. * : Lots of people look like him! * : Is your name Sun Ball? * : Yes. * : Excuse me, Mr. Warden sir, I believe our adult is here. * : Hello, Javier! * : But he too is getting arrested. * : He's still an adult we know. * : Yes, this is my ... my ... emergency contact! * : Actually, an emergency contact can not be a te * : Well, this is an emergency! You are let out now. * : Woo hoo! Thanks, Mr. B! That was a close one. * : THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T TAKE MALL COPS SERIOUSLY! * : Calm down, and that's a lie! * : I can't believe 'ow gian' everythin' is in this city! I bough' this smock a' Forever 21 fer 14 Yankee shillins! *'Janeka': You call that a dollar. * : And your brands are so interesting! I've heard of McDougal's, but never McDonald's! * : An' 'o calls a store Starbucks? *'G.P.': That was such a great day. *'Janeka': Y'all got your Beats? * : Which pair? We bought, like, 37 of them. *'Janeka': Don't matter. *'G.P.': Just put them on while we go ... y'know ... do what humans do. [They both walk into their room. Pencil and Pen put on their headsets and talk to each other through there.] * : So there's th' objec'-sized rats, an' then there's the gian' 'uman-sized rates, yeah? * : I think that was just Mickey Mouse. [All of a sudden, Triangle wants to video chat on their phones.] * : Ah, I just love how unhappy your father looks right now. * : Let's go see wot 'e wants. [Pencil clicks on the icon. All of a sudden, Triangle appears, looking enraged.] * : EXPLAIN WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! * : 'Ello, Dad, wot'a' we done? * : Do you remember what we told you? * : We? Who are you working with, sir? * : You promised that you would not get noticed by society. * : Oh, thet! * : Now that the humans have realised that objects can speak, the Interdimensional Travel Programme will be cancelled! * : Wait, sir, you're working with the programme? * : Yes, boy. This is connected with the federal government. And as the federal government says, you are to return to Earth within sixty seconds from when I say "beep". * : Wot? Our 'oliday's been cancelled? * : Well, Penc, it was fun while it lasted. [Suddenly, enter Timothe.] * : Hello! My name is Timothe, son of Hyne, and I will be your mode of transport today. Let's go. To our planet. [Pencil and Pen hold on to Timothe, as before. Enter Janeka, with two towels covering her hair and her body under her shoulders.] * : Omg, y'look like the South African national dress! *'Janeka': Girl, this ain't Africa; this is the USA. * : Well, we've got to geh in Africa righ' now. * : Yeah, we have to get back to our own planet. *'Janeka': You mean you're leaving? * : I am afraid so; these two have been very naughty things. *'Janeka': I'm a naughty thing too! G.P. tells me that all the time! [At once, she runs over to the three and brings Pencil to the counter in the bathroom.] * : Wot'n'ale's'a-doin'? *'Janeka': Take me with you! I need to escape this planet so bad! * : Janeka * : Wot about me? *'Janeka': Shit, you're right! [Janeka reaches over, but it's too late. We see a montage of object travellers being ejected into space out of various locations remote to humans, ending as Timothe blasts off into space, causing a hole in the roof.] * : YOU'LL PAY FER THIS, PEN! [Beat.] Although, I h'always wondered wot's'e like to stay in this world. [She walks around the counter.] * : Omg! A sink I can sleep in! Which works, y'know, acos I'm jus' so tired. [Pencil falls asleep. Enter G.P. from the bedroom, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, the same way Man Ray did.] *'G.P.': Yo J, I put on the sexy music but then I heard a noise. [He sees the ceiling broken, and nobody there.] *'G.P.': What the ... Who did this? And where's Janeka? [he thinks for a moment] AH, FUCK! Liberals abducted my girl! Don't move, wherever you are, I'm gonna change, and I'm calling the police! [He calls the police on his phone, and it rings.] *'G.P.': Oh, that's right. I am the police ... * : This is violation, this is violation, this is violation. * : Janeka, why'd you even do that? *'Janeka': I don't know about physics and shit, but y'all can't carry me. * : No, why'd you go and take my wife's place! *'Janeka': I'll explain later, I just [She stops herself.] Wife? * : We're married! *'Janeka': That's not possible; Pen and Pencil can never love each other. It's not like they ever talked! * : That's just a façade. Behind the camera, Penc and I ... [sighs] I just wish she wasn't on that planet anymore. * : You don't need to wish any more. *'Janeka': What the fuck's happening to me? [Janeka starts to tremble.] * : This is not good. They told us in transport school it would happen through strongly-worded fan fictions, I may add but I didn't expect this to happen now! * : Wait, what's going on? * : She's transforming! [A poof of light. Suddenly, who was once Janeka is now Pencil.] TO BE CONTINUED